Pak Cricket team now assured of its safety in India as Hafiz Saeed issues No-Objection certificate

The Pakistan cricket team which a week back was planning to pull off from the world T-20 tournament due to threat from terrorist organizations, is finally assured of its safety after it got a No-objection certificate from Lashkar-e-Taiba chief Hafiz Saeed. Hafiz has not just given a no objection certificate but has also assured his khatirdari to the travelling Pak team.

 “When it comes to terrorist, there is just one name you can trust i.e. Hafiz bhai. Aek baar bhai ne bol diya safe, then you are safe. In fact heard he is so awesome, that for our safety he has not just secured stadiums, but also our travel to India.” Said a young Pakistani fast bowler, he continued, “ You know, he is so much concerned for our safety that he has even scrapped air travel for us and instead we would be travelling through a newly made underground tunnel which starts from Islamabad to Pathankot via Waghah border. In fact he has invited our team for its ribbon cutting ceremony.”

“I have always been a villain to Indians. The bad guy who is responsible for anything bad happening in their country. But after seeing the sloganeering in JNU and the media hooliganism for every small nation building action, I have had a change of heart. Enough, I will let India be, and now even try to improve my image in India and globally.” Said hafiz bhai, while cleaning up the barrel of his gun.

Hafiz Saeed has not just assured Pakistani players of their safety, but has even tweeted that he and his men would personally be monitoring the security arrangement of these stadiums, not just before the match but even while the game is being played.

“This is a ridiculous claim made by Hafiz Saeed, as he cannot enter the Indian border to monitor the security of these stadiums. After all he is India’s most wanted.” Said an angry Rajnath Singh, “And Just in case he is seen even in 10 kilometer radius of these stadium we will apprehend him and put him behind the bars.”

Reacting to Rajnath’s response to his tweet, Hafiz Saeed said, “Did I say anything about going to India. I just said I would be monitoring the security. And for monitoring, I don’t need to travel when I have your media circus at my service. I’ll monitor the matches like how I monitor terror attacks on India sitting here.” He said this and then looked at his men who then all laughed together in unison.

As Donald Trump up’s the ante against Muslims, Yogi Adityanath admits that he is facing tremendous Performance Pressure

Right Wing extremist leaders across India, such as Yogi Adityanath and Raj Thackrey admit that since the day US presidential candidate Donald Trump has started his election campaign, they are facing tremendous amount of pressure from their supporters to increase extremism and make it their core party agenda. These leaders even go on to admit that they are finding it very hard to live up to the new expectations set up by their supporters.

“This guy is crazy. Till now I was randomly asking Muslims to go to Pakistan, Afghanistan or calling some of them villain etc. But here is a man, who is saying that he won’t allow Muslims to enter America once he becomes President, WOW!” Said Yogi Aditynath, the five time Gorakhpur MP, while shaking his head in disbelief, “Here in India when I say that someone’s soul belongs to Pakistan, I lose support of my own party members and public. And this Trump guy is gaining more and more support as he is increasing anti-Muslim rhetoric. How is this possible? He is too good. “Admitted Swamiji.

It’s not just the eastern part of the country but the western part of India too is rattled by Trump’s speeches. Raj Thackrey, who till now was believed to be the king of this space is now hiding his head in shame. He just can’t show his face to the extremist lobby of friends who now look up to Donald Trump when it comes to increasing right wing extremism. In fact Raj says that after listening to some of Trump’s speeches he has started feeling like a leftist-secular leader off late.

“Inspired by Donald Trump’s Wall along the Mexican border idea, I thought of coming up with a wall along the Maharashtra border for stopping north Indians from entering the state. I was at the press conference and was about to announce it, but then at the last minute, I could not pull it off. Even I started feeling that it’s too much. And instead of that, in hush-hush I did the north Indian auto burning fiasco. Yep, I admit, I am no more the guy folks. This guy is the new king of this space.”

“ Humare ladke logo ka to dimag kharab kar diya hai is Trump ne. Yesterday only they were asking me to give the statement of barring Muslims from entering India. Arey asking Hindus to reproduce five kids is fine, but this is too much even from my standards.” Said a dejected Sakshi Maharaj.

News has also come in that let down by their leaders and impressed by the Donald Trump’s antics and aggression, several extreme right wing fringe elements are joining hands together to float a party by name ‘Donald Trump Kranti Sena’.  Aping the agenda of Donald Trump campaign, they are proposing not just a ban on Muslims but also a ban on Christians from entering India for the time being.

DoT accidently ban Times of India along with 857 Porn sites.

In its crackdown on websites that host or provide links to pornographic content, the Indian government has failed to separate the wheat from the chaff. Among the 857 blocked websites, India’s largest Entertainment website, the Times of India’s name is also there, which doesn’t even offer pornographic material.

“I really don’t get how the Govt can dub us as pornographic website when we offer pure entertainment to our audience.” Said Rajdeep Dutt a senior Editor at the TOI, he added “I mean just check our links like ‘Hottest bikini Trend’, ‘celebs who went nude for magazine cover’, ‘Five things women want before sex’, these are entertainment items sold as news and not nudity sold as entertainment. Who will explain all this high class stuff to these classless swadeshi jingoist?”

The news had a very strong and detrimental impact on the psyche of the single community at large. Rohit Mishra a third year B.Tech student of who was yet to recover from the ban on Maggi went numb when he heard the news of 857 porn sites getting blocked. While he somehow managed to recover from the shock, the news of even the Times of India getting blocked sent him to a state of coma.

“The advent of online porn had made our hard disk redundant so we stopped storing porn on our systems altogether. But this sudden ban on porn sites along with the Times of India has left us unprepared for the worst. We want a recall on the ban for at least a month, so that we can download and store porn, thus build our inventory till the time we get married.” Said a Rahul Baba, president of the Single Samaj Party (SSP) while he was buying a removable hard disk for 128 Tera byte for storing porn.

In other related news, it’s not just the news sites that have been affected by the ban, but even the news makers might get affected by it. DoT has said that the next crack down could be on Television channels who show nudity in the name of news and entertainment. This might mean that even LOk Sabha and Rajya Sabha TV might get banned, for showing MPs watching porn on their mobiles during assembly sessions.

MCD workers in Delhi find copy of Jan Lokpal Bill while cleaning up Garbage Piles.

MCD workers who have ended their strike and agreed to clean up the garbage piles from the streets of Delhi have found some key documents in the same garbage pile which includes original copy of the Jan Lokpal bill drafted by Anna Hazare. They have also found several copies of election Manifestos of major political parties for state and central elections which were getting eaten by rats and pigs.

“When we saw the Anna’s hand written copy of the Lokapal Bill, we were shocked. We took the copy to BJP and AAP members, who were then busy getting selfies clicked with the tallest garbage lump.” Said a sweeper there as he wiped sweat from his forehead, “As soon as they saw the copy they began laughing in unison and then tore apart the copy and threw it back in the garbage pile.”

It’s not just the original lokpal bill which has been found in the pile, below mentioned documents were also there which were thrown back into the pile after showing it to the concerned department:

• ·         Presumed burnt Files of Salman Hit and Run case
• ·         Missing Coal Scam files
• ·         An election speech promising 15 lakh to every citizen from black money recovered
• ·         Draft copy of Uniform Civil code
• ·         A carton full of ‘ Election that changed India’ by Rajdeep Sardesai which also had 2 empty bottles of old Monk

Sources have told that after finding these documents the site has been taken over by Police and is busy cleaning the debris of these important document and simultaneously destroying them.

It’s not just documents that have been found in the garbage, two statues of former Delhi law ministers, Jitendar Singh Tomar and Somnath Bharti have also been found in the debris. While one was thrown back into debris, the other was carried back to the AAP office and has been kept in their ‘What to do’ chamber.

Finally the MCD worker also found a half charred BJP letterhead which had a hand drawn image of L.K.Advani with title ‘The Perennial Chairperson of the Marg Darshak Mandali’.